My writing in the past few months has been sporadic though that reflects how my life is right now. I’ve been very busy with work. Long story short the year 11 drama students have had many different teachers so I’ve been helping out a lot making sure they are performance ready. A lot of people have been asking me why? It’s not part of my pay so why? I find this quite obscure. Why wouldn’t I? I don’t have much do to in my life. I am not a busy person in my personal life. So why not use my time to help the kids? They don’t deserve to get bad grades due to circumstance so I am happy to help. But a lot of people want reward or gratification for what they do. That’s just not my style. I think my autism gives me an overwhelming moral code. I like the kids and I genuinely want them to do well because out of all the students in the school they’ve accepted my quirkiness the most. So morally I can’t let them do badly (though my help isn’t granted success).
Though this is not the only reason for my lack of blogging. I also feel I’m loosing my voice, my writer’s voice. When I started this blog I had all these ideas of what I was going to write and I’ve written a lot of them, but in my iPad notes there is still a lot of unwritten posts. Some become outdated because they were wrapped around in the present though others are still valid. I look at them but the words won’t come and a lot of them need time, time which I’ve not had. There is also the feeling of not feeling good enough. The blogs on here surpass mine so much and they use their words so well and formulate their thoughts excellently and then I come in with continuous prose with no style just my thoughts directly on the page. I am not writing that as a cry for compliments please don’t think that of me it is just how I feel. I’ve never been great with words, typical autistic, but this blog wasn’t about writing literary excellence just a purging of thoughts.
So how do I find my voice again? Blogging has been so important to me but I’ve neglected it. I tend to do this a lot. I start something but I suddenly stop. Ballet classes, singing lessons, piano lessons, gymnastics, there’s probably so many more all been abandoned. I’m no psychologist. I don’t know why I do it. Is it insecurity, fear of failure, boredom, laziness, self deprecation? Is it a part of my autism? Does the unpredictability hit me and leave me incapacitated? Whatever it is I want to break the cycle. I feel blogging can do this. I need to make blogging a routine again. I need to read more about autism to inspire my thoughts. I guess April is the best month to go autism obsessive. So that’s what I’ll intend to do. Once the year 11s have done their exam I’ll get back to blogging. I also have an important appointment coming up so I’m sure I’ll have something to write about. There’s still more blogging in the old woman yet (I think).
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!