I’ve been meaning to do this kind of post for awhile and something on my Facebook newsfeed just sparked it up in me. It’s going to be about suicide. I want to make one thing clear I never usually do this but because this is a sensitive topic. My intention is not to offend anyone or to speak of this lightly. I acknowledge the seriousness of this and anything I say is me expressing the rawness of my emotions.
I have never considered myself suicidal, however, I have thought countless times about suicide. When I was younger I was really socially isolated for a while and in those times I thought me not being alive would be better. I used to walk across the road really slowly waiting for a car to hit me then when one came I’d rush across. You see it is this weird feeling where I don’t want to die, I fear death, but at the same time I don’t want to be alive. I know it sounds weird and doesn’t make much sense which is why it is so confusing to me. I never thought about how I would do it. Never made a plan. The thing that would always stop me from delving deep into thoughts about suicide was my family. How would my mum, dad, brother, aunts, cousins, etc feel? They would be devastated! I was never that detached from reality. My autistic nature of thinking, very matter of fact, literal seemed to be saving me from being encompassed by these thoughts of suicide. I knew that these negative thoughts about myself and how I might as well not be alive were not correct and that I deserved to live happily but there was just this thought and sometimes it would be weak, other times it would feel more powerful.
Since my teenage years thoughts of suicide have been sporadic with times where it’d be on my mind for like a month or two daily to not thinking about it for months and months. October last year one of my brother’s friend died from suicide. I got to see first hand the effect of suicide. It no longer was just a thought in my head and my mum in tears, brother in tears. It was obviously horrible. I felt weird because it’s something I’d thought about for years on and off.
You’d think after seeing that happen to my family that I wouldn’t have a thought of suicide again. I am ashamed to say I have. I think what is the point of my life. I can’t seem to move forward both professionally and personally. I am just existing not living. I hate having these thoughts. I hate thinking that I’d be better of not alive. Also I think that people out there are going through so much worse. I’m not even going through anything that bad. It’s disgusting that I’d even think about it. I am so fortunate in so many ways. So why does it still cross my mind? I feel pathetic.
So currently now suicide is not consistent thought in my mind. I feel that no matter how many times the thoughts about suicide come into my head I don’t see myself ever becoming suicidal. I hope they become less frequent and not so present, really I hope they go altogether. I am glad I did this post as controversial and hard it was because I’ve never spoken about this. Ever. The most I’ve ever told anyone is the walking slowly across the road. I have never told anyone what I have said here. It feels good to have spoken the unspoken, well type it.
Here’s the post from the Mighty before that got me thinking about it in case anyone would like to read it: https://themighty.com/2016/03/when-you-feel-suicidal-but-dont-want-to-die/
I really love the Mighty!
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!