So I’ve had quite a long break now (40 days since my last post) and I want to get back into blogging. Though as an autistic being out of a routine for so long I’m finding it quite hard. I guess I should start by summing up the last 40 days.
The last 40 days have been a mindfuck! Sorry I can’t think of a better, more accurate term. I’m not going to lie most of the time I’ve felt quite sad for varying reasons though my autism has played a big part in it. That’s why I had to stop the blog I had to really take time to look after myself and not try and phrase things with words. In this time of sadness I haven’t really know where to turn to. I don’t like talking to my parents, not because they are not absolutely amazing (they are really amazing), but it’s because they are absolutely amazing that I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want them to know I’ve been sad. That would make them sad. It’s something I’ve done ever since I was little is protect them from my sadness and my brain is just wired to do that. So I look to other people around me. I don’t have many friends, I have one friend that I’ve know for like 20 years but are friendship isn’t that type where we pour out our hearts. Also there’s another reason that I don’t talk to this friend and both my parents because they were in my life pre my discovery of my autism. It’s hard when you’ve known people for so long and suddenly start talking about your autism. They don’t see you like that. They see you just as you were before and hey accepted you before you knew you had autism so everything autistic about you they just see as you so separating it to them is hard for them to understand.
So to talk through my sadness with I talk to people post autism discovery. That means my work friends and colleagues. I’ve been very open with them about my autism because I could get it out in the open straight away. Also it’s the place where my sadness most comes out. I’m not sad at home because I’m in control, everything is how I like it. Though at work is where my autism is stretched and I am challenged. So my work see this side of me that my home life doesn’t. My work see me stimming out of stress and silently staring into space and panicking. But at home I stim out of excitement and I stare at the tv. My friends and colleagues at work have been so supportive and great though I do have one complaint, a phrase that hits my ears like daggers and makes my brain pulsate with rage. It is the phrase ‘autism or not…’
Let me put this phrase into context. I’ll tell them I’m stressed about something like I need to change groups for our professional development because others in that group make me feel anxious and worried that I’m going to be judged for my autistic behaviour. My boss will be very supportive and tell me that’s not a problem and that adjustment can be made and I feel great. Though they always add the phrase ‘autism or not I make adjustments for everyone and everyone has some things that need to be changed to help them do their jobs’. I know what you might be thinking why does this bother me so much? I don’t have an answer to that. It’s just that autism is a major part of me. It affects me so much but because I’m quite good at managing it people think that it’s just something that’s a part of me and kind of forget how much of a disability it can be. Another example of this phrase being used is I was talking to a work colleagues about how I’ll never find someone to care for me because I can’t make eye contact and so much of first impressions is eye contact. The person turns to me and says ‘autism or not we all find it hard to meet people and you’ll get there’. Again but something so fundamentally apart of my autism makes that so hard. So it’s not autism or not because other people can make eye contact. It feels like I’m constantly trying to prove how autistic I am or how much my autism affects me so that I can make people understand that life is difficult.
Some people may look at this post and think I’m overreacting or that it shouldn’t bother me. I agree to some extent. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. I think though when you are sad as a general demeanour you just want it to be accepted. But people constantly want to compare your sadness to help you not be sad. But it doesn’t help. Telling me everyone goes through it doesn’t help me. It feels like I’m being told not to be sad, not comforted in knowing I’m not alone. Fortunately I’m not in the same sad place that I was I’m slowly climbing up the ladder to happiness though it is an upward battle. I guess what this post was about was that autism is such an overwhelming, all consuming condition and that people don’t realise that. They say well everyone’s autistic to some degree. NO that is not correct of course neurotypicals and autistics share traits because we are human beings NOT because we are all a little autistic.
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it (and that it wasn’t too confusing. Still a little rusty after my break). Peace out!