It feels like forever since I’ve posted. I’ve just been so busy. Currently at work there are the GCSE and A-Level exams. I have to invigilate for the SEN students who are one to one or in small groups. I don’t mind it because I’m quite good at shutting off my mind to do nothing for hours. It’s like I can have a mini shutdown at work without anyone noticing which is good for my autistic brain. Though the after effects means that my brain doesn’t work very well for a couple of hours after.
The other main reason that I’ve been busy is that I’m applying for an internal job at work. I’m so stressed about it. I was at work until 7pm one day this week just to write the letter of application. I had all the ideas in my head but my brain couldn’t translate them to written form. I’ve always struggled to articulate myself. The words are flying around in my head in a hurricane, spiralling around and not linked together. Having to locate the words in this gust of wind and then speak them in an order that makes sense to others is a task to say the least. I think that’s why I sometimes stutter over my words. My brain is thinking to quickly that it creates chaos. Currently in my application I have sentences that are four lines long. So I need my mother to read it over and fix it. I really want this job. It is to be a Higher Level Teaching Assistant for students with autism. That would be perfect for me. Though I don’t think I’ll get it and that’s annoying me. I think there’s going to be too much competition. I know I’d be amazing and have so many ideas it’s just convincing them that. It’s become my obsession over the last month or so. I’ve thought about it everyday and now that I’ve finally got to act on it I’m petrified. If I don’t get an interview I’ll be devastated. So I’ve got the weekend to fix it then hand it in Monday. I don’t want to prepare if I get the interview. This may sound strange because as an autistic normally all I want to do is prepare and plan everything meticulously. I don’t know why this is different. I think that I’ll get too scared if what I plan doesn’t match. Like if a question is phrased different my literal mind won’t be able to answer it. Also I have a very poor memory so I feel like I’d be trying to remember what I said in practice and then fail to and panic even more. I’ve planned things that I could say but I don’t want to rehearse it like a social script. Interviews are the only occasion I don’t want to do scripting. There are too many variables to think and plan for, who is on the panel, what are they looking for, what questions are they going to ask, how is the seating layout, what do I say first, how to I sit, what to wear, how to think, how fast to speak, am I speaking too fast, am I speaking too loud, etc. I literally had to stop myself there. I’ve got so much to think about so I have to be selective so the one I think I can’t plan for as well is what I’m exactly going to say.
Essential that’s why I’ve been so busy. It’s that one track mind that I’ve have not being able to think about anything else. I’ve been wanting to blog but have not been able to think of anything to say because it’s been so stuck on this job. I’m so scared about what is going to happen next, (I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen next). I have forgotten about my blog. When the stress of this is over hopefully I’ll think of things to write about but for now I have a bit of a writer’s block. Love you all readers.
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!