Cold-hearted

I feel cold hearted. Really I feel like a b****! I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I can’t help it. I don’t want to but I do. I should be happy and joyful but I just feel unsettled and uneasy. I’ll tell you why.

My brother is back from working around the world in and out of the U.K for like a year. Now most people would think I would be full of joy and happiness at his return. But all I can think about right now is the change it brings. Just so you know my brother and I were close, close in age and we spent a lot of time together. It’s not like we hated each other. The opposite really. Then we got older and naturally you grow apart because we went to study at university separately but we still saw each other often. Though this year with him travelling for work has really changed him. I don’t recognise him. He’s not the same person as he was before and that is hard to deal with. I don’t know how to be around him anymore. Everything I learnt over the years of how to interact with him I feel is worthless and obsolete. So I’m nervous. It’s not the same. And I don’t like that.

It’s the small things that I’m going to find hard. Something as simple as watching the TV is now different. He’s not caught up and not interested in what we are. I’ll fall behind on TV. Now it’s trivial but I like my routine of TV watching. It’s relaxing and helps me wind down after a long day. Also what to talk about with him he’s changed so what does he want to talk about. I hate small talk anyway so it’s even more hard not knowing what to talk about. Does he still like video games? We used to play them a lot together. What does he like? I don’t know.

I know I must sound horrible but I don’t want to feel this way. These are the times I don’t feel human. How can a human feel this way about this? Something joyful but for my rigid, anxious mind it’s too much. I hate that I feel this way. I hate my mind for thinking like this. The balance that my parents and I made between us and got used to has been flipped upside down. Adding my brother back into the frame has and will alter the dynamics. It’s changed. I don’t like it. I have to get used to it and I’m sure I’ll like it. But right now I don’t like it. I’m anxious, unsettled, confused, slightly annoyed. I used to be able to escape change at home. But now it’s come into my home and slapped me round the face and said “what you going to do about it?” I don’t have the answer yet. Hope I will soon.

Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!

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