I woke up this morning with a knot feeling in my chest. I thought to myself am I panicked, am I going to have a panic attack? Unfortunately the answer to this was yes. I was at school before the school day started and had a panic attack in the ladies toilets. So glamorous. I’m not usually one for a panic attack. But after a long day yesterday in a drama room filled with noisy kids all day and then doing the start of a course for 2 hours combined with a lot of new heading my way. New opportunities, timetable, dynamics. I feel slightly overwhelmed with new-ness. Too much new happening at once.
The first new is job opportunity. There will be a chance for promotion though competition will be heavy. I don’t think I’ll get it but I will give it a go. The problem is waiting, waiting for the advert and waiting to apply, and waiting for interview, so much waiting. Waiting creates anxiety because it’s like the plaster effect you don’t take one off slowly you just rip it. Same for this I just want to apply and get it over with because there’s too much time to think about it and how it could go wrong. Although I want to obsessively plan I don’t want to wait to obsessively plan. But I have to wait to obsessively plan because I don’t have the job spec or a date to work towards. I want to obsessively plan now.
The second new is my lesson timetable is going to change. My boss was good about warning me beforehand, well I say this I went up to ask my boss a question last week and they said ‘while you’re here let’s have a look at what could be changed on your timetable’ and we sat and went through my timetable to see which lessons could be changed. So today I knew it was coming which was better I didn’t know what exactly the change was but I knew there was one. However, having to adjust to new students who I don’t normally work with and teachers too is stressful. I walk in and all these faces, voices, movements that I’m not used to. It panics me because the scripts that I create in my head don’t apply to these characters and this setting. When I say scripts I mean stored information of scenarios that will happen, like kid X will always try and get attention so the best thing to do is ignore and kid Y is likely to talk to kid Z so and best thing to do is distract rather than confront. So not like word for word but almost expected exchanges that I and that individual will have. Trying to read each person so I know how to react with them, calculating and analysing what they do, how they react and trying to obsessively store this in my brain to be able to recall next time. Though this takes time and I find myself just staring at the students and students don’t like to be stared at, to be fair I wouldn’t, and also teachers may think you don’t do too much. But when I’m in a new class with new students I can’t do anything until I’ve gone through this process. My brain doesn’t have a plan. I have to analyse and study the class and dynamics because I literally cannot even comprehend what to do because of fear of the unknown. It’s not even like my brain can think of something to do but stops itself, no my brain cannot do anything but watch.
The third new is the dynamics of staff at my work has changed. I’m quite friendly with a couple of my work colleagues in my department. One of my mates has got promoted. So now they will be in a different office and I imagine a lot more stressed. We as a group like to wind each other up, making jokes, general banter. So in respect of my mate I don’t want to stress them out so I need to tame back my banter, which means writing a new script for them. When one member of a group leaves the feeling within the group changes and that means different interactions. Again the stored interactions in my brain have now become slightly obsolete for everyday use. I then have to establish myself within this new dynamic where someone has moved up and things that were expectable now aren’t because of authority and whether one likes it or not it has an impact because I respect where I am in the work pecking order and now I need to associate the promoted individual with their new title and not what they used to be.
My scripts that I have relied on for several months are set to change. These scripts as I describe them take a lot of time and energy to create in my mind. But I need them otherwise I cannot function. So I feel for the next few weeks I’ll struggle proven today. I don’t want anymore new please this is enough to deal with now. I try not to complain because really there is much worse happening to others and the world but I have to acknowledge when I’m overwhelmed and struggling no matter how petty it looks to others. I hate doing it though but I fear if I do not begin to acknowledge and allow myself to find things difficult then I’ll bury them until they get worse like today. I can’t have another day like today. I need to stop panicking. I just need to work out how!
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!