Imagine your head in a furnace or in a vice.
The oxygen drained out of it.
You feel like one move will make you faint.
Your eyes are on fire. Flaming inside your head.
You’re in a shutdown.
A shutdown is not easy.
A shutdown is not pleasant.
You think of shutdown you think of a computer. It turns off and feels nothing. It’s quite quick (if you got a good computer)
You shutdown your computer because it’s been working and your done with it. If you leave your computer on all the time it eventually weakens it. Also updates on a computer need you to shut it down sometimes.
So this is the same way you need to treat your brain.
Why are shutdowns necessary?
Your brain needs to shutdown. You do different things to shut yourself down. Watch TV, read, listen to music.
Though an autistic experiences the world in a much more intense way. The shutdowns have to be more intense. What is inputted must be outputted.
I had a shutdown just a few hours ago. Probably this is reflected in my writing as I’ve noticed I’m not having lengthy paragraphs but short snappy sentences. I haven’t fully started up again.
I started back at work in the school with the students there. I was anxious all day suppressing it, not acknowledging.
My heart was dropping to my gut constantly. And breath was weak.
So when I got home and fell on to my bed. I could not have had a shutdown. I had my headphones in with music blasting and covering my eyes with my hands. I went in and out of staring at the same spot and blocking my vision.
This went on for more than a hour.
An hour of barely moving, only moving with micro movements to make sure blood still circulates.
Once you are in a shutdown.
It’s hard to reverse.
Like a computer when it begins to shutdown you have to let it shutdown before you can start it back up again.
You can’t snap out of a shutdown. It’s near impossible you have to let it run its course.
So I let it run its course.
People might think your refreshed straight away.
But to start a computer it doesn’t come on in a second even the fastest need time to start up again.
It takes a bit of time.
A shutdown is a necessary part of my health. Though non autistics have a form of shutting down it is not the same as an autistic shutdown.
An autistic shutdown is not being weak. It is a part of maintenance that keeps my brain healthy.
I don’t have shutdowns often.
I don’t enjoy shutdowns.
But when they are necessary, they are necessary.
A shutdown is not a choice.
I chose to do this post quite soon after my shutdown because I didn’t want to think about it too retrospectively. I wanted it to be as soon after it happened so I remember clearly (I have a really poor memory). I apologise if the quality of writing is compromised. I must be starting back up again because I’m rambling and writing in longer paragraphs.
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!