Since beginning this blog I’ve noticed that I think about autism constantly. I think about it to an obsessive capacity. I can’t quite work out if the blog has made my autism an obsession or whether I’ve always thought about it this much but never noticed how much I think about it. From the moment I wake up autism is on my mind and it’s the last thing I think about before I sleep.
I was out yesterday with work colleagues and there are colleagues that know and there are some that don’t. I mean I talk about my autism if it comes up in conversation but I’m not going to go around to the many work colleagues I have and go “by the way I’m autistic” for no reason what’s the point. It’d be like someone coming up to me and saying “I like chicken” when we haven’t been talking about chicken and has no relevance to anything. So I only say it when it’s relevant because I have no qualms about saying it. Anyway one of my colleagues lets call her Linda, who knows I’m autistic, said to another colleagues Angela who doesn’t know, “she’s autistic”. Linda turned to me and was like “sorry have I just outed you?” Now I like it when this happens and this is why because I want it to be out there I want it to be as easy to say as I like chicken. It’s a big part of me and hiding it is too hard. Anyway Angela’s reaction was “really? I would never have thought.” She then said “it’s more common in males isn’t it?”. Now this was my chance to educate someone without being a know it all or just pushy with my obsessive knowledge. So I began to just speak at a rapid pace “well the thing is that because the diagnostic criteria is tailored to male autism then it gets diagnosed much easier whereas women’s is harder because autism effects women differently. Just like there are male and female brains, when you are female you are more likely to trying to mimic and mirror others in order to fit in whereas males are not as focused on that so they are more likely to be content with their behaviours. So really women mask their behaviours more than men. Therefore more women are consider and I believe are under diagnosed.” Now that was all said in the space of like a minute as I rattled off knowledge that I’d gained through my extensive research over the years. This is when I realised autism is my obsession.
As a child I had obsessions like the Lion King. For months every night before I even to bed when I was like four I had to reenact Musfasa’s death scene where Simba finds him on the ground after the stampede and shouts “somebody, anybody, help” as my mother laid on the floor being Musfasa. But when I got into adulthood I felt like I didn’t really have an obsession. I mean I’m in love with Beyonce and can rattle off facts about her but I think I could be more obsessive so not sure if I see it as an autistic obsession. So really autism has become my obsession, now the only thing I think about is, is this a bad thing? It makes me wonder sometimes if it could be detrimental to constantly think about it. To think about situations and then afterwards obsessively think about how I could have improved them; to not let my autism get in the way. On the other hand I have learnt so much about my autism and autism in general which has helped me understand myself. For so long I just didn’t understand myself and hated myself but now that there is something that makes me the way I am I feel better because I can make sense of it.
As I said it in my first blog post I began this blog so I could get my thoughts about autism out of my head. So I could learn from others as well and I really have so thank you other bloggers. This blog may have increased the thoughts about autism in my head but doing this blog has been one of the best things I’ve done. I’ve had lovely messages from other blogger and people liking my blog and for that I’m so appreciative. So really thank you to all the bloggers out there who follow and like and comment on my posts. So in the lead up to autism awareness month I can say with certainty: Autism is my life and will forever be my obsession.
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out!