Sometimes I would wonder if my autism and personality are independent or intertwined. If I didn’t have autism would my personality be different? At one point in my life I was fixated by this thinking about myself as two different people. At my low points I would write out my thoughts to kind of get them out of my brain almost like a cleansing I guess. In these thoughts I would constantly write about having two different people fighting in my head: Autistic me and me.
- Single minded
- Open minded
These are just a few examples of the different personality traits autistic me and me had. As you may have noticed autistic me and me have opposite traits. I mean the first one Introverted and Sociable. How can you be both? They are such opposite of each other. Well I do like my own space, however that is also a comfort and it is safe to keep myself away. When I’m with people I trust I really enjoy socialising and being among them. Also if you look at tidy and untidy. Well I like everything in its place. When I begin cleaning I get fixated on the little bits of fluff that the vacuum never gets or the dust that never goes into the dustpan when brushing it off the floor. However, when I’m not cleaning it’s almost out of sight out of mind and I’ll leave my clothes out lying around and deal with them later. If my brain decides to focus on tidying I will be tidying if other things are going on then I won’t be as bothered. Both the autistic me and me have ‘good and bad’ traits. In some ways I used to see autism as something that conflicted my personality and did see it as something quite negative.
However, as I’ve gotten older and more wise about my autism I realise that looking at it this way really makes autism seem like the ‘bad guy’. It was a very negative way of looking at it. Autism is in my brain and when I was at my lowest points I was comparing it to like a disease which I look at now as being a horrible and ludicrous thought. As soon as I started embracing the aspects that autism gives to my personality I realised that it balances me out. The list I made previously of the different traits for the autistic me and me is really crap isn’t it? For example I am loud in the Me personality however I am loud because my autism effects my brain in a way that means that it finds it difficult to regulate my sound and the sound I hear so really it’s part of the autism. Also saying I’m single minded I get fixated on things but I’m not single minded really I am very open minded I believe in equal rights between everyone I will watch a variety of documentaries on many different topics from mental health, wildlife, sexuality, etc. Even now I’m getting confused because that’s how ridiculous it is to separate myself into two different people.
So in conclusion autism and my personality are very much intertwined. And I love it. I would not be the same person without my autism. I believe that when I started looking at it this way instead of as two separate people I became happier.
“If you look at autism with negativity it will become negative if you look at autism with positivity it will become a positive.“
Honestly nothing I have written has ever been truer.
Here’s a link to a personality quiz that I took recommended by a friend. According to this I am a ISFJ personality (the defender). The best thing about this quiz is that it says I’m like Beyonce!! Have a go yourself for a bit of fun : https://www.16personalities.com
Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out.