Relationships/attraction: I’m so confused!

So I’ve never been in a romantic relationship and sometimes it makes feel a bit like a loser because there’s an expectation that you’re suppose to be with someone. I mean I’ve only kissed someone once while drunk. So I’ve no experience in the matter. It’s hard because I don’t necessarily see myself being able to deal with someone constantly like you need to in a relationship. So I went out last night it was the last day of term and I had my first experience really of someone wanting me. I think.

Here’s the story:

The build up/catalyst

A bunch of work colleagues and I went out for a night out as I said before it was the last day of half term it’s a tradition for us to go out. This time though there were two new guys who came out with us. They work in my department and because I was new like last year I wanted to make them feel welcome so I’ve been friendly to them. We are at the pub to begin with and there were no seats and one of them was like sit on my lap and the other said what about me? So jokingly, I mean I thought it was just a bit of fun, I sat on both their laps and spoke to them. Everyone made a big deal about it and was like oh have you always sat on a seat this evening, obviously drawing attention to the fact that I was sitting on their laps. I was just having a laugh I mean I didn’t see it the way everyone else was seeing it. They were saying to me that I had game as well but this is all new to me so I was just like whatever going along with the joke because I wanted to have a good time.

Things bubbling up

We later went on to the bar and the thing you need to know about these two guys is that they are opposites I’m going to call then Jake and Toby, for the purposes of this blog. Jake is a bit of an arrogant guy, he likes to joke around you never know when he’s being serious and thinks he’s so cool and acts a bit like an arse but he’s not like horrible, horrible just not that nice. Then Toby on the other hand is a really nice guy, quite shy and reserved and is very complimentary and polite slightly over the top in my opinion. Jake and I at work have been insulting each other with banter (a British type of joking, teasing humour). I mean I didn’t and still not convinced that he fancies me but everyone was like yeah he does. But Toby however I’m pretty sure he did fancy me because he wanted me to dance with him the whole night! I mean the whole night every time I moved he was pulling me towards him, holding my hands and every time I sat down he’d try and pull me back up again. He was being very persistent and pushy with it. I mean I was there to also have a good time with my friends not just stay glued to one person. But hey I’m not going to lie this was the first time that a guy had given me so much attention and to begin with I really did like it. It made me feel good. I’ve spent a lot of years thinking that I was not attractive to anyone and for someone wanting me close to them was boosting my confidence. Jake every now and then would do something silly behind me or try to get my attention but I wasn’t sure what he wanted. So again still not convinced.

The drama

So I’d spent the night trying to interact with my other friends there and to get some space from Jake and Toby. So I went outside to chill with, let’s call him: Darren. Darren started work the same time as I did but has now left but he still came out on this night out with us. So for me when people leave my life most of the time I can kind of form a detachment from them it’s almost like they’ve served their purpose. Anyway so we were really close before. Darren starts trying to give me a pep talk outside about who I should go for. But he was drunk as well so he wasn’t acting very sensitively and was a bit full on about it. He kept asking me who I would choose out of Jake and Toby but I was like I’m just having fun I don’t even know if I want any of them I just don’t know. But he wasn’t taking that and I said obviously if I had to choose out of one of them it would be Toby because he’s definitely the nicer out of the two and would be the best for me. However, I still don’t know if I want that. Toby’s brother goes to the school we work at and this also makes things awkward, maybe he tells his brother everything I mean it’s just very weird so again a spanner in the works. Darren keeps asking everyone and everyone’s like just go for it because people love a romance and love a gossip. But I just wanted to have fun and my evening was beginning to be ruined by this. Because no one was letting me have fun. So I stormed off away from Darren.

The comforting

Two of my colleagues that work at the school are very much caring people who like to look after and protect like wise older sisters. So I had come up and sat down every abruptly because at this point I was drunk, the noise was amplified, for those who have read my previous posts on alcohol and autism all the things I feel when I’m drunk was also what I was feeling then and to top it off these thoughts were running in my head about these two guys and I felt like I was going to explode. So they took me to one side and one of them, Julia let’s say is very tactile and will hug you and she has a fluff coat which sensory wise I adore and holding my hand giving me the tactile support I needed. The other woman Jane was giving me the wisdom and explaining to me why people were likely acting this way and advising me how I should deal with it and basically being my brain for me. I love these two women doing this for me. I feel bad and they don’t have to but they do and it makes me feel very cared for. So eventually they both got me in the right head space and by this time I was ready to go home but I was waiting for my walking buddy because it’s not good to travel home alone and I will always wait for her on a night out.

The conclusion

Darren the guy who was trying to get me to choose came and apologised to me because people made him realise that he’d gone too far. He didn’t mean it he just wasn’t thinking. He kept on apologising and I kept saying it was fine because it was. He hadn’t necessarily upset me I was just fed up with the situation and because all this people fancying me things is all new to me I was just really overwhelmed and with alcohol on top a dangerous combination. Anyway the night was pretty much done for me. And I have to say the change of having the two guys really spoiled it in a way. The night just felt different even besides that event happening to me, people left very early and it just didn’t have that usual spark.

That’s how the story ends.

So that is the end of my confusing evening dealing with the world of attraction and relationship type stuff. I’m still very confused. I find it very difficult to understand my emotions relating to the attraction of others and when I say confusing it’s not that I’m deflecting I actually am just confused. I can’t tell if I fancy someone I don’t know who I fancy if I fancy anyone. It’s really weird. But I plod on in life because do you know what I just need to stop comparing myself to others. Yes I’m in my 20s and my experience with relationships equate to zero. Though other things are going well in my life and I’m happy. I can’t let this stuff drag me down. Do I fancy Toby? Does Jake fancy me? I just don’t know. I just liked the attention. I liked feeling attractive and special and wanted. At least now I know it is possible to fancy me something which I genuinely didn’t believe was possible.

Thanks for reading. Hope you liked it. Peace out.

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