Fearing the ‘f’ word: Friend

Hello all.

Now I have always found it hard to call someone a friend. When I was younger and I would start to think of someone as a friend or call them my friend they’d let me down or the friendship would disband. So I’ve always found it difficult to say it and I mean I’d literally find myself not able to say it or I’d add the suffix: ish (friend-ish). It’s a defence mechanism. It feels to unsafe to give someone such an important status when in the past I’ve been let down by it. For people who find it easy to make friends the word doesn’t mean as much to them as it does to me. I mean there are words like buddy, mate, chum but friend is the top of them all, the one with the most meaning.

I was out yesterday with people from work. We’ve been out plenty of times, it’s a bit traditional for us to go out to the pub on a Friday, not every Friday of course but frequently enough for it to be a ‘thing’. Anyway back to the matter at hand. So I was there sitting in the corner just taking some time out from all the social interaction, looking at everyone talking, laughing joking around and having a few too many drinks and somethings hit me. Maybe these people are my friends. During the night I’d poured my heart out to one about my ‘depressive’ teenage years saying things I’d never really admitted to myself, both sharing stories of bullying. I then was hugging another, laying my head on their boob and allowing them to touch me, by the way I’m not a great fan of people touching me especially surprise touching, just no. I tried to give advice to someone almost as self deprecating as me. I even had people tell me how nice I am, how pretty I am. I mean I don’t believe them but I know they aren’t lying, if that makes sense. Throughout the night I’d been trying to use the ‘f’ word, but every time I added ish. I was just too scared. Then right at the end when I was leaving I finally said it very slow ‘fffrrriiiiennndd’ and bit my tongue before letting kg say ish.

I’d gotten over my fear, well a bit. These people put up with my crazy: my insulting, sarcastic ways, my love of blindfolding myself to block out my sense of sight, my insane need to be touched on both sides of my body to equalise, my weird use of language and making up words, my bluntness, it goes on and on. If they choose to spend time with me, if they choose to talk to me, if they choose to tolerate me, if they call me their friend. Then surely they are my friends. I guess I used to think of friends very literally and they had to fit a certain criteria, i.e. we had to talk on the phone, had to go out often, etc. Now I understand it’s more about what they do for you, how they make you feel. Maybe they won’t be my friends forever but for now I’ll give them that status I’ll call them my friends but that’s what they deserve.

Thanks for reading hope you liked it. Peace out.

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